Dear Rude VONS Checkout Girl

Dear rude VONS checkout girl,

Please don't misunderstand me. I get that you are super-cool and 18 and just out of Stockdale High School. I get that the rules of societal behavior just don't apply to you. But I would appreciate if, in the future, you kept these things in mind when I patronized your store for fruit for my son…

1. I know that I'm fat and funny looking. Pointing these things out to me is unnecessary.

2. I kind of figured that your high school girlfriend was in line behind me. Especially since you spent half of your time talking to her. She gets it. You work at VONS. You are cooler than the rest of us.

3. I do realize that Fresca isn't the sexiest choice when it comes to soft drinks. You don't really need to point this out.

4. I walked out of my house wearing a Star Trek t-shirt. I am fully cognizant of this fact. Telling me a story about your friend who still has Star Wars bed sheets, and how you're glad he's "just a friend and not a date" is unnecessary. Especially while giggling at your friend and rolling your eyes at me.

5. Assuming that all nerds want to have sex with you is a fallacy. I find you rather appalling, to be honest. I have no interest in having sex with you.

With all due respect,
Michael