Fucker!... In Bed.

I’m sure you’ve heard this one before: Any fortune in any fortune cookie is immediately rendered hilarious when “in bed” is added to the end. For example, “The smart thing to do is to begin trusting your intuitions… in bed!” Yes, full of hilarity. I’ve decided that a change is in order. “In bed” has had its day in the sun, and we need a new way of looking at our bizarrely vague bits of wisdom wrapped up in bland, stale “cookies.” My vote? We change “in bed” to “fucker!”

Imagine the possibilities! Instead of turning every fortune into a slightly amusing sexual innuendo, we get to the heart of the matter! That is that you, the person reading the fortune, are either an asshole or an idiot. Consider:

“A new outlook brightens your image and brings new friends… fucker!”

“When the moment comes, take the top one… fucker!”

“Do not hesitate to look for help, an extra hand should always be welcomed… fucker!”

“Open up your heart - it can always be closed again…. fucker!”

“Try everything once, even the things you don't think you will like… fucker!”

Sure, these are all fairly funny when you add “in bed” to them. But “fucker!” is so much more now! So hip! So cool! The next time you open a fortune cookie in front of your Grandmother, remember the new rule. The tightly-packed Chinese buffet will thank you!