Broken

I came to grips with the fact that I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life quite a long time ago. Yeah, every once in a while I forget and I hold out hope for something good in my life for five minutes, but then reality slaps me in the face and I remember.

I’m broken. And girls can smell that a mile away.

I don’t write this as a way to get attention. There’s really nothing than can be said to comfort me at this point. Those of you who know me well know just how little I believe it when I’m complimented. I’m just not built that way. I really just write this as a way of reminding myself of how things are.

A little over a year ago, I realized that there was no possible way of moving on with my life. Pretty much any chance I had of starting over was eliminated because of my own stupidity, my own follies.

Things have changed since then, don’t get me wrong. I have a different job, my outlook is certainly different. I look different than before. I act a bit different. All in all, I’m a better person now than I’ve ever been in the past. There’s an honesty to me that wasn’t there before. An openness, too. People who’ve met me in the last year or so think I’m a really nice guy (Except for that one crazy girl, but who cares what she thinks? She‘s crazier than I am!). You couldn’t always say that before.

Yet, I’m still stuck at square one. There’s really nowhere else to go beyond square one. I’m ruined financially and emotionally; my sanity is questionable at best. There’s literally no way of getting out of it. There’s no plan. I’m just existing at this point. I look towards the next vodka tonic. The next concert. The next day off to spend with my son.

I can throw whatever blame I want at a certain ex of mine, but the majority of it really does lie at my feet. I did this to myself. And I allowed myself to be hurt. So, I really don’t expect anyone to feel sorry for me. I just don’t deserve that.

So, I’m alone for the long haul. I stink of failure and vodka and cigarettes. And even if someone manages to get past those things and wants to be with me, they’ll figure out just how stuck I am in short order. I’m never moving from square one. This is my fate. This is the punishment I deserve.