Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Excerpt 18

As awful as the last year and a half has been for me, there have been a small handful of shining moments that have gotten me through. My time with you definitely counts amongst those shining moments.

I really haven’t been able to put my finger on it. There’s just something about being around you that lifts my spirits. I have fun with you. I get those butterflies in my stomach that little kids get when they have their first crush. You actually make me happy.

But there is no chance of ever being with you. You were pretty upfront about that. What you wanted out of me was perhaps something I wasn’t ready for. Okay, yeah, I can probably admit that “perhaps” should read “definitely.”

You said that you weren’t ready for a relationship at the moment. And that you couldn’t really see yourself dating me anyway.

But still, we went out. Things got heated, every time. The last time, things didn’t go so well. I had been drinking a lot. I failed in the bedroom. It’s not something any guy really wants to admit, but it’s true. I can blame it on the alcohol. I can blame in something in my subconscious. Whatever the reason, I don’t know for sure.

But it was embarrassing. I felt terrible about it. You were cool about everything, though. But things are certainly different between us now.

I never really understood how someone as astonishingly beautiful as you could want to spend time around me. You said that I turned you on. You don’t really say much of anything to me anymore.

There’s a new guy in your life. You’re happy, which I love seeing. But there’s a huge chunk of my heart that just aches when I hear about it. I know that guy could never have been me. I’m not good enough for you. You said that wasn’t true. But a self-fulfilling prophesy is what I am. Where are you now? And where am I? The truth always comes out in the end.

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