Friday, July 31, 2009

I Hate July. Let's Make This About August.

Okay, so, where the fuck have I been lately? My blog is starting to resemble a haunted mansion, filled with cobwebs and homeless drunks. Oh, er, wait a minute. That’s what my blog was this entire time.

What have we missed?

Well, I have actually managed to make some improvements in my life the last 31 days, in spite of some rather harsh personal setbacks. Some so harsh that I don’t really want to get into them in detail. What about the good?

* I’ve managed to return to being a casual drinker. I only drank 8 days out of the month, which is huge, considering that I normally would have drank 25-31 days out the month. That’s not to say that I was a drunk every single one of those days, but it did get to the point where I would need at least one drink a day to get through. I’ve always been really good when I have my son with me, either not drinking at all or making do with one beer with dinner or something. But I do realize that I was heading down a really ugly path, drinking my crazy away. Drinking doesn’t make my depression go away. It just delays the inevitable. I’ve been lucky in that I haven’t done anything that’s harmed anyone other than myself. And even in that case, I haven’t harmed myself in any great way. If anything, I’ve just embarrassed myself a few times too many (Sorry, pretty girl from Wasco. Really. Sorry.). So, the goal is be a casual drinker again. A social drinker. I’m not quitting altogether. Just trying to be responsible or something.

* I saw Jarvis Cocker in LA! I know that doesn’t mean anything to most of you, but seeing Jarvis Cocker again was like getting a handjob and going to church, all at once. Really. It’s something I won’t soon forget.

* I’ve worked a ridiculous amount this month. So much so that people are starting to take notice. As I’ve mentioned, I was named Employee Of The Month. And, well, there’s other news soon, if you can wait.

* I filed divorce papers. It was completely exhilarating and I have no real idea why. It just felt right. I left the courthouse laughing. There are still a lot of hoops to jump through. Additional papers to be filed. Hearings to be heard. But I’m on my way to something different. Something new. We’ll see what that something is.

So, where does that leave me? The month of August looms large on the calendar. It’s going to be a long, hot, humid month. But it’s also a month wherein I want to improve myself personally. I want it to be the best month ever. I want it to me the month where I shine. The month where I matter.

And I plan on documenting as much as I can.

So, starting tomorrow, I will be posting every single day for the rest of August. I will do something every day that better my life. Or enriches my experience. Or something new. Or something exciting. And I hope that all of you, my friends, join me on this ride.

No excuses. No looking back.

Monday, July 13, 2009


* I'm starting on my divorce papers and filing them sometime this week.

* I've decided on a tattoo. I don't know when I'm going to get it. But I'm going to get it.

* I'm toying with the idea of quitting smoking.

* I'm working on not drinking every day.

* I'm clinging to the people who've loved and supported me for ages and rejecting those who don't. Or who can't.

* I'm getting health insurance for the first time in ages, starting August 1st.

* I am going to survive.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Good Fortune

I went out for Chinese food with a friend for her birthday recently. After gorging on General Tso's chicken and making fun of waiters for an hour, we got our fortune cookies. Hers was pretty bland. Mine was something else entirely.


Excerpt 18

As awful as the last year and a half has been for me, there have been a small handful of shining moments that have gotten me through. My time with you definitely counts amongst those shining moments.

I really haven’t been able to put my finger on it. There’s just something about being around you that lifts my spirits. I have fun with you. I get those butterflies in my stomach that little kids get when they have their first crush. You actually make me happy.

But there is no chance of ever being with you. You were pretty upfront about that. What you wanted out of me was perhaps something I wasn’t ready for. Okay, yeah, I can probably admit that “perhaps” should read “definitely.”

You said that you weren’t ready for a relationship at the moment. And that you couldn’t really see yourself dating me anyway.

But still, we went out. Things got heated, every time. The last time, things didn’t go so well. I had been drinking a lot. I failed in the bedroom. It’s not something any guy really wants to admit, but it’s true. I can blame it on the alcohol. I can blame in something in my subconscious. Whatever the reason, I don’t know for sure.

But it was embarrassing. I felt terrible about it. You were cool about everything, though. But things are certainly different between us now.

I never really understood how someone as astonishingly beautiful as you could want to spend time around me. You said that I turned you on. You don’t really say much of anything to me anymore.

There’s a new guy in your life. You’re happy, which I love seeing. But there’s a huge chunk of my heart that just aches when I hear about it. I know that guy could never have been me. I’m not good enough for you. You said that wasn’t true. But a self-fulfilling prophesy is what I am. Where are you now? And where am I? The truth always comes out in the end.