Friday, October 24, 2008

Self-Esteem Subscriptions

Have we talked about my non-existent self-esteem yet? Maybe it’s time to.

I was never picked on in school. It’s not that I was so cool or special that no one wanted to pick on me as a child. I think it really had more to do with the fact that I was so weird and moody that no one wanted to bother out of the fear of what I’d do in retaliation. Which, honestly, wasn’t too terribly much.

Sure, I flew off the handle from time to time and got into schoolyard fights. Hell, once I kicked the ex-boyfriend of my BFF in the head for talking shit about her. And I do have the distinction of being the only boy in my freshman P.E. class to not get pantsed at any point during the year.

But I did have some self-esteem problems, usually relating to girls (Naturally). Frankly, few people knew because I was enough of a blowhard to ask anyone out. Seriously, 95% of dating is confidence. If the people you’re interested in think you don’t give a shit, they’re likely to want to date you.

So, I did well enough and eventually got married and didn’t have as many self-confidence issues. I thought I was pretty damned cool. And if our lifestyle could be narrowed down to a philosophy, it was, “Who gives a fuck?” We did what we wanted without regard for consequences.

And this led to us eating whatever the hell we felt like and not caring what other people thought. So, um, yeah. I got huge over the course of our 11 year relationship. And, frankly, I didn’t really notice or care until the day she left me. Self-esteem go bye-bye!

That’s a small part of why I’ve had problems talking to strangers. I mean, I’ve sort of reverted back to the little boy who didn’t think he was good enough for anyone or anything.

I’ve been trying, though. As of this morning, I’ve lost 60 lbs this year. I’d like to lose another, oh, 75 lbs or so, but that’ll take awhile. I really shouldn’t feel as bad as I do, all things considered, but it’s tough when you feel like you’ve been tossed into an emotional wood chipper by Peter Stormare.


  1. i dont know when i lost my self esteem or where the fuck it went. i think it also has something to do with a couple of exs of mine. it happens.

  2. @discotrash Well, maybe all that inflating of each other's egos that we do will pay off some day. :)

  3. dude, it's one hundred percent natural after a big split. I went through it too and I'm the one who did the splitting. You've got to readjust to the idea of thinking about interpersonal stuff again.

    With me it reached the point where if I did go out I would just get depressed by watching other people and seeing how easy they made it all look. And pissed off at myself for not being able to do it myself.