Indio

I’ve long theorized that I will die in Texas, even though I’ve never been there before in my life. I have no real reason to think this way. It’s just that I’ve always assumed that Texas is where they take people like me to be dispatched. When the powers that be are announcing methods of fatality and get to “brick to the back of the head in Texas,” I stand up and say, “Yep, that’s me!”

But that theory is starting to feel a bit wobbly. Like, maybe that won’t be the way I make my trip to the great litter box in the sky. That’s because I’ve been to Indio, California this year. And because Ceiling Cat hates me, I’m going back next month.

Indio scares me in ways that make Bakersfield seem downright quaint by comparison. Imagine a place where nearly every inhabitant looks and acts like an ex-prisoner, failed beauty queen, or meth addict and you’ve got a pretty good idea of what Indio is like. It’s hot, creepy, and full of people ready to shank me around every corner.

And I’m the next victim in line. Stephanie and I went there a few months back to visit a mutual friend. We visited her favorite bar, Neil’s. Neil’s is a country dive bar. Like, the kind you see in movies where people shoot each other a lot. You know, the kind that usually exist in the minds of those (Okay, me) afraid of flyover states?

Our friend seemed to know everyone in this bar, and she introduced us to them. And every single one of them knew who we were, either by image or reputation. I got hugged a lot. Disconcerting? Yes. Stephanie and I spent two evenings in Neil’s, miserly clutching at our drinks and making backward glances at the exit.

Somehow, we survived. But it was an execution delayed. Our friend is having a birthday in early December and she wants to spend it at Neil’s. So, I no longer think I’ll die in Texas. Now I think I’m destined to die in Indio, hit in the back of the head with a brick.

(PS. If you live in Indio, take all the above as a joke. I love your fair city. I totally want to move there. I want to stick my wenis in Indio. Seriously.)