Friday, November 28, 2008
A Week Of Moments
Life is complicated, right? The last seven days have been a symphony of impediment. That which stands in the way of my happiness is an amalgam of sources, from the fear and paranoia of others to my own sense of self-worth (Non-existent, for those of you curious). I’ve watched friends crumble, family bicker, and relationships rise and fall and rise so fast that I can barely keep track of where I stand at any given minute.
It started with a scare. My son being rushed to the hospital over a terrible fever that wasn’t going away. Eventually, it went away, with the help of a few doctor visits and some care. But that experience truly changed how I look at a few things. I can’t take certain things for granted and I can’t rely on myself as a proper judge of character. I’ve made terrible decisions throughout my life because I believed people.
It continued with a series of adventures with a new friend. What does that mean? Where is it going? Am I being crazy? Am I moving too fast? I mean, it’s a well-known fact that I’m borderline stupid when it comes to matters of the heart.
There was a Kings game with my best friend. My son was there, too, but with his mother. We went to the same game independently of each other. After the game, my son thought he saw me leaving the building and freaked out. It wasn’t me. I felt so terrible. He just wanted to see his father again before the night was through.
Night after night, there was carousing with friends new and old. Was I avoiding my real life? What exactly is my real life? I drink constantly, so what’s so different about doing it at someone else’s house, or at the bar? I really don’t know. I’m a trainwreck, but that’s just me, isn’t it? I guess I have to want to change in order to change. But do I really need to change?
Thanksgiving was a nightmare. My family was being… my family. My sister’s friend was being… my sister’s friend. I guess I don’t like being insulted on holidays. I don’t appreciate family members being rude to me for no reason other than to satisfy whatever high horse they’re on.
Early this morning? Watching my best friend tear herself apart over something I can’t really help with. I don’t have the correct answer. I wish I had the answer sheet, but I don’t. I guess that’s why no one can really help me either. It’s easier in theory than it is in practice…