Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Asshole From Texas

I’m convinced that Vons and I have a problem. And Texas. Texas, too.

I had just finished grocery shopping and was heading towards my car when I saw a man leaning against the rear of my car, his shopping bags placed haphazardly on my trunk. Of course, he was on his cellphone, yammering away in a thick, incomprehensible, subhuman drawl.

I approached the man and said, “Hey, man, that’s my car. Could you please remove your bags so I can put my groceries away?”

The man turned to me, pulled the phone away from his ear, and said, “Does this piss you off?”

The conversation followed:

Me: “Um, a little. You’re being rather rude, actually.”
Asshole From Texas (just try to imagine Larry The Cable Guy, but more brain-damaged): “You let birds shit and dogs piss all over your car, and you get mad over some plastic?”
Me: “Yes, well, you’re supposed to be higher functioning than the birds and the dogs, so…”
Asshole from Texas: “Where you from, boy?”
Me: “Here”
Asshole from Texas: “Yeah, well, where I come from, we take care of our problems like men.”

Asshole From Texas moves to within a foot of me.

Me: “And in California, that attitude is likely to get you sucker punched, stabbed, or shot.”

At this point, Asshole From Texas starts to back away.

Asshole From Texas: “Yeah? You’d better be careful, boy.”
Me: “I’ll do that. Thank you, Sir.”

Asshole From Texas gets in his truckasaurus at this point and drives away, “Don’t Mess With Texas” bumper sticker and Texas plates mocking me in his wake.

Yeah. Gotta love Texas.


  1. That's when you just drive away with his groceries still on your car.

    Fucking assholes.

  2. Oh, what a jerk....
    You made the story so funny.

    "Good Times"

  3. you know you handled that a lot nicer than i would have. i believe my reaction would have been HEY ASSHOLE GET YOUR SHIT OFF OF MY CAR.

    because that's what i say in those situations.

  4. HA I just thought the same thing at the end what Susannah said like had you known it was going to go down that way just took off with his stuff.

    WHAT A COMPLETE JERK! You just asked him to move his stuff and he tells you to settle it like a yeah that's what you were trying to do, it's called being a gentlemen.