Excerpt 13

I have never once in my life relayed a conversation I’ve had with you to anyone else. I don’t know why, though. I mean, I tend to open my mouth at every twist and turn of life and blurt everything out. I’m not so much a gossip as a lovesick asshole with diarrhea of the mouth. We don’t even share that many friends. It’s unlikely that what I say will get back to you.

But for some reason, I’m reluctant to talk to anyone about what we talk about. It just feels so fucking special when we speak. Like, somehow, I’ve won the lottery just by being able to talk to you. And if you knew I felt that way, you’d probably tell me to knock it off and just be happy with my ridiculous little life. That our conversations aren’t special. That they just exist.

So, for those reasons and many others, you have no idea how I really feel about you. Oh, don’t worry, it’s all good stuff. All of that sappy, gooey crap you have no interest in. I just sort of swoon a bit while I’m around you. I keep my mouth clamped shut when we’re together with other people. What if they figured it out? What would they say? How much would they laugh at me?

I know you haven’t figured it out. I’m pretty sure you would have said something by now if you had. Regardless of your feelings on the subject, you’re pretty brutally honest with me. It’s one of the aspects of your personality that I find so alluring. You lack the tact to pretend that what you say will impact negatively on those around you. You just assume that those people will just get it.

I guess that’s pretty fucking cool. I know I’m not nearly that self-confident. I could never do that. And I guess that’s probably part of why things would never work with us. I lack the ability to roll my eyes and walk away and not care. I can listen to an entire Can album without flinching. I love Ingmar Bergman. I’ve watched every episode of Lost without complaining that it “doesn’t make any sense.”

But I can’t make life seem as easy and effortless as you do. I’m not wired that way. I’m more comfortable second-guessing myself and worrying about things I can’t control and longing for the infinite than just living my life and letting the detritus fall where it may. I could learn a lot from you, if I just shut my eyes, relaxed, and stopped being madly in love with you.