Things That Aren't Yum In Bakersfield

I was out around town the other day running errands and I was getting hungry. It was around lunchtime and I got a sudden craving for Taco Bell. Admittedly, Taco Bell is one of my weaknesses. Well, you know, aside from Cadbury Crème Eggs, girls, and anything recorded by Jarvis Cocker…

I was pulling up to the corner of Mt. Vernon and Niles when I noticed a Taco Bell sign. I should have known better. Right next to the Taco Bell sign was a Kentucky Fried Chicken one. This location is one of those dual-purpose Yum Brands monstrosities that litter the cholesterol-addled streets of Bakersfield.

I pulled into the parking lot and entered the restaurant. Again, I should have known better. The Taco Bell menu wasn’t a complete one, as the restaurant was more KFC than anything. I mean, three of the four walls were decorated with Colonel Sanders paraphernalia. The fourth wall was purple, with what looked like a child’s scrawling of the words “Taco Bell” emblazoned across it.

I ordered a pair of bean burritos and sat down in the dining area. Every table was covered in dried chicken remnants, so I just picked a seat and looked for some napkins. None were present. So, I roughed it.

My bean burritos were awful and took nearly ten minutes to prepare. They tasted rather funny and were skinny enough to be considered flour taquitos.

Once again, I should have known better. I used to work at a store in the same parking lot as a KFC/A&W restaurant. I’ve got experience with the joys of Yum Brands dual-purpose restaurants. They never make things right, the menus are only portions of what they’d be in the regular restaurants, and the prices are often a bit higher.

These things are all over Bakersfield. Want a burger and fish sticks? There’s an A&W/Long John Silver’s in the northwest. How about fish sticks and burritos? You can have that, too, in east Bako. Basically, anything that sounds like it’ll make you vomit, you can find, thanks to Yum Brands, in Bakersfield.

So why do people keep patronizing these places? Beats me. Maybe they’re just like me: Their desire for Gorditas overwhelms their desire to keep their food down.

(The above picture is not the location in Bakersfield. Apparently, these horrible places are all over the country. It's a national tragedy, really.)