Friday, December 5, 2008


I guess this is the point in the proceedings where I'm supposed to say something poignant. It's been an enlightening week on a lot of fronts. I've learned that the more things change, the more they stay the same. We just choose to accent our personalities in this way or that way at any given moment. I suppose I haven't really changed as a person. I'm just putting forward better parts of my personality and burying less desirable ones. Or, at least, trying to.

I'm trying to avoid sweeping declarations here. There's really no point in doing that. I know that I'm the type of person who yearns to be loved, and I'm talking in generalities here. I take rejection hard in all forms. But I just burn with this passion to be loved and accepted and when it doesn't happen, I freak out. 2008 has been all about freaking out.

But the bad things I've done to other people shouldn't matter so much tomorrow. The bad things that have been done to me shouldn't matter so much tomorrow. I can only be myself and hope that's good enough for the world. The alternative, frankly, sucks.

I don't really know how to consciously go about getting what I want anymore. I'm taking baby steps forward. I had a really good conversation earlier this week with someone on that very subject. He's an amazing friend and I love him very much. He can see the progress, even if I can't. The good, or at least amusing, parts of me are coming back, bit by tiny bit.

I've talked before about getting my life back on track. Apparently, I was doing that the whole time and not noticing. Things are better now, even if they don't always appear to be from the outside. I'm capable of fixing my mistakes and finding true love and living again. I'm even capable of making new mistakes!

So, what was the point of this? I'm doing okay. I'm stepping outside and breathing again. I did a little casual dating. I've talked and opened up and caught up with a lot of people. I've even developed a stupid little crush I won't act on (I'm SO not her type). I'm getting hope back. Let's see if I can do anything with it.

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