Wednesday, December 31, 2008
New Year's Resolutions
It’s almost 2009, which is a good thing. 2008 was a terrible year for just about everyone with a pulse. I think the only people happy about 2008 are Barack Obama, Christopher Nolan, and Satan. And even Satan’s not really feeling it this year. In keeping with the theme of the New Year and new beginnings and all that happy, fuzzy jazz, I’m going to participate in the annual ritual of committing to new ideas and new endeavors. With the knowledge, of course, that I will drop all of these commitments by the end of January:
* In 2009, I will adopt a Taiwanese boy in my continuing efforts to be more like Angelina Jolie, minus the boobs and other assorted girlie parts. I will name him “Trimm Trabb” and we’ll go to charity functions together. He’ll be the fabulous accessory that proves that I am both compassionate about world affairs and ultra-hip to boot.
* I will make an honest effort to understand the musical genius that is Phil Collins. I do realize that I’ve never given this man a fair shake. He was in Genesis, so that has to stand for something, right? I’ll start with the Tarzan soundtrack and make my way backwards. I’m just working on the assumption that the Tarzan soundtrack was his last album. He died ten years ago, right?
* I will do something “jauntily.” I’ve never done anything in my life “jauntily” and I feel like I’m missing out. If I must be accompanied by all times by a squadron of chirping bluebirds to accomplish this feat, I will make it so.
* I will attempt to watch an entire Will Smith movie without throwing up. Now, vomiting while consuming vast amounts of alcohol doesn’t count. I’m talking about the whole nine yards. I will watch an entire Will Smith movie sober and not vomit. I’m currently practicing for this feat by watching the films of lesser demons. I’ve gotten three-quarters of the way through a Tom Cruise movie before having to skedaddle to the nearest water closet. My tolerance for Nicholas Cage is still only at half a film. I have a lot of work to do before I can claim victory over the ravages of Will Smith.
* I will cease referring to the Bakersfield City Council as “mah bitches.” It’s rude, inappropriate, and only partially true.
* I will also quit drinking in 2009… Ah, just fucking with you…