Wednesday, December 31, 2008

New Year's Resolutions

It’s almost 2009, which is a good thing. 2008 was a terrible year for just about everyone with a pulse. I think the only people happy about 2008 are Barack Obama, Christopher Nolan, and Satan. And even Satan’s not really feeling it this year. In keeping with the theme of the New Year and new beginnings and all that happy, fuzzy jazz, I’m going to participate in the annual ritual of committing to new ideas and new endeavors. With the knowledge, of course, that I will drop all of these commitments by the end of January:

* In 2009, I will adopt a Taiwanese boy in my continuing efforts to be more like Angelina Jolie, minus the boobs and other assorted girlie parts. I will name him “Trimm Trabb” and we’ll go to charity functions together. He’ll be the fabulous accessory that proves that I am both compassionate about world affairs and ultra-hip to boot.

* I will make an honest effort to understand the musical genius that is Phil Collins. I do realize that I’ve never given this man a fair shake. He was in Genesis, so that has to stand for something, right? I’ll start with the Tarzan soundtrack and make my way backwards. I’m just working on the assumption that the Tarzan soundtrack was his last album. He died ten years ago, right?

* I will do something “jauntily.” I’ve never done anything in my life “jauntily” and I feel like I’m missing out. If I must be accompanied by all times by a squadron of chirping bluebirds to accomplish this feat, I will make it so.

* I will attempt to watch an entire Will Smith movie without throwing up. Now, vomiting while consuming vast amounts of alcohol doesn’t count. I’m talking about the whole nine yards. I will watch an entire Will Smith movie sober and not vomit. I’m currently practicing for this feat by watching the films of lesser demons. I’ve gotten three-quarters of the way through a Tom Cruise movie before having to skedaddle to the nearest water closet. My tolerance for Nicholas Cage is still only at half a film. I have a lot of work to do before I can claim victory over the ravages of Will Smith.

* I will cease referring to the Bakersfield City Council as “mah bitches.” It’s rude, inappropriate, and only partially true.

* I will also quit drinking in 2009… Ah, just fucking with you…


  1. As for Will Smith, start with "Hancock". His best movie to date, because he says very little. My New Years resolution is to have sex with three different porn actors. And to find some way of eternally memorializing Eartha Kitt.

  2. A few years ago, I tried to give up making resolutions. But now I feel inspired to make one. You and Trimm Trabb just made it look so cool and sexy.

  3. I love Phil Collins.

    $50 bucks if you can correctly guess whether or not that's sarcasm.

  4. Oh Phil! I did not feel him at all--eh actually I still don't feel his music--but found a way to relate to him. There is an episode of This American Life that features him talking about writing a love song with one of the writers on the show. It's really interesting. I'll have to find it for you.