Saturday, January 10, 2009
Dating is hard, and the idea of finding someone over the internet terrifies me somewhat. Maybe I just have this warped view of two creeps who spend 20 hours of their day playing World Of Warcraft hooking up as defining “internet dating.” Or maybe I’m on the right track.
And the idea of setting up an account on one of the myriad dating website freaks me out even more, especially since I’m a guy. I know a lot of good, classy ladies who’ve set up profiles on dating websites on a lark. I’ve never known a good, classy dude who’s done the same. I’m not ready to be thrust in the same boat as the 55-year-old douche preying on kids or the awkward nerd who cleans soiled mattresses for a living.
So, what’s a boy to do? Well, I did post the above Tweet this morning as a joke. But it got me thinking. What would my profile on one of those dating websites look like? Knowing me, I’d probably be brutally honest. I'd probably also chase off any potential suitors.
In any case, my profile would probably read something like this:
Requirements: “Super” compatibility with me on Last.fm is a must. Saying you don’t like David Bowie gets you automatically disqualified. Liking Coldplay also gets you automatically disqualified. Must be tolerant of my hockey addiction and utter fascination with my beloved Los Angeles Kings, as well as the fact that I’m a St. Louis Rams fan. I, in turn, will tolerate whatever hockey or football teams you like. Unless you like the Anaheim Ducks. I just can’t handle that shit. Also, you must pass a pre-relationship screening process performed by my closest friends. Trust me, I’ve learned at least THAT much over the years. Applicants should be forewarned that I am currently unemployed and up to my gills in debt. So, I’m pretty much like everyone else.
Likes: Girls who are independent and have purple hair. Enjoyment of the arts and Caribbean food are definitely plusses. Alcohol. My cats.
Dislikes: Selfish, inconsiderate people. People who hide my phone and smokes. Your dogs.
So, yeah, that should get a few dozen hits, right? No? Yeah, I figured.