Saturday, January 10, 2009

Internet Dating

Dating is hard, and the idea of finding someone over the internet terrifies me somewhat. Maybe I just have this warped view of two creeps who spend 20 hours of their day playing World Of Warcraft hooking up as defining “internet dating.” Or maybe I’m on the right track.

And the idea of setting up an account on one of the myriad dating website freaks me out even more, especially since I’m a guy. I know a lot of good, classy ladies who’ve set up profiles on dating websites on a lark. I’ve never known a good, classy dude who’s done the same. I’m not ready to be thrust in the same boat as the 55-year-old douche preying on kids or the awkward nerd who cleans soiled mattresses for a living.

So, what’s a boy to do? Well, I did post the above Tweet this morning as a joke. But it got me thinking. What would my profile on one of those dating websites look like? Knowing me, I’d probably be brutally honest. I'd probably also chase off any potential suitors.

In any case, my profile would probably read something like this:

Name: Michael

Requirements: “Super” compatibility with me on is a must. Saying you don’t like David Bowie gets you automatically disqualified. Liking Coldplay also gets you automatically disqualified. Must be tolerant of my hockey addiction and utter fascination with my beloved Los Angeles Kings, as well as the fact that I’m a St. Louis Rams fan. I, in turn, will tolerate whatever hockey or football teams you like. Unless you like the Anaheim Ducks. I just can’t handle that shit. Also, you must pass a pre-relationship screening process performed by my closest friends. Trust me, I’ve learned at least THAT much over the years. Applicants should be forewarned that I am currently unemployed and up to my gills in debt. So, I’m pretty much like everyone else.

Likes: Girls who are independent and have purple hair. Enjoyment of the arts and Caribbean food are definitely plusses. Alcohol. My cats.

Dislikes: Selfish, inconsiderate people. People who hide my phone and smokes. Your dogs.

Will train.

So, yeah, that should get a few dozen hits, right? No? Yeah, I figured.


  1. I think I'm disqualified for the simple facts that I don't have purple hair (kind of boycotting the color due to living with it for my entire life) and I like the Ducks and I think or compatibility rating doesn't exist because it's so low *runs and hides*

  2. lol omg i couldve written this for you. :)

    so i decided to do some research into places you might post this profile and find the girl of your dreams <-- i did a photo search, about 1/2 of the girls have purple hair. i bet some of them even know who bowie is and none of them like coldplay <-- you'll probably need to do some heavy searching to find a girl who's over 25, but again, girls who at least hate john mayer. <-- goth rock chicks like freaky sex and booze and cats, this is in fact science. they will also paint your nails.

    I'm going to stop commenting now because this is turning into a blog of my own.

  3. I think dating online is a lot easier than dating in person. Then if you break up you can just change your screen name and never talk to them again. But what if they do the same thing, you meet them again with his/her screen name thinking he/she is a different person and you start the same bad relationship all over again. It just can't be healthy.

  4. OH my gosh, I would never trust internet dating especially as a guy because if I was a guy flirting with a hot purple haired girl who loves cats and Bowie on the internet for sure it would end up being a 506 pound 48 year old man!

    discotrash cracked my up I say go with her suggestions ;-)

    now I am going to google search what is because I feel out of the know!

  5. if that profile don't you get you some ladies i don't know what will!

  6. Actually that might be helpful. Most guy's profiles all say the same thing. They want a girl who can get dressed up and can enjoy a relaxing night on the couch. They are all easy going. Don't really like clubs but enjoy a dive bar. etc. etc. They are all mundane and boring.

  7. LOL. You'd be surprised. I did the plenty of fish thing (which took me forever to try since I was totally freaked out about it)It seemed logical since I'm anti social & hate people and don't go to bars (I prefer to drink at home)
    My profile said outright that I hate most people and find the majority of humanity stupid or careless.
    Have been (happily) dating for 7 months now.

  8. My experiences with internet dating have been highly amusing. Honesty is the best policy though (right?) so your profile might be a charming breath of fresh air.

    Has someone actually hid your phone and cigs before??

  9. @gabby Yes. Many times. Many, many times.

  10. I will remind you that Stevie and I met through interweb dating stuff. We may not be together right now, but are still the best of friends, live together and share everything with one another. It took many years for us to become guys that play WoW 20 hours a day. I wish I were kidding.

    Discotrash has some great suggestions, I say give it a shot, what have you got to lose?

  11. God I miss my purple hair. It was purple all through high school and the first two years of college, but then I decided that I really needed a job, so it's not purple anymore. And now I'm going into the medical field, where they're not exactly tolerant of that sort of thing. *sigh*

    Does anyone actually take the Ducks seriously?

  12. @susannah Purple hair is awesome. I should start a fan club. Oh, wait, I am a fan club.

    Sadly, more people take the Ducks seriously than I'd like.