Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Last Night, He Said

It can be difficult to eschew cliché when writing about a night like last night. A night alone is, in itself, a cliché. But that is where I was. I dropped off my son with his mother and had a decision to make. Home or bar? Either choice would have resulted in being alone. I just knew.

I stop first to pick up some smokes and then hit the bar. It's slow, even for a Tuesday night. Maybe a dozen people in total. I wave at a few regulars and order from the bartender. She forgets who I am all the time. She always does when I’m out of context. I'm not wearing my green jacket; the one with all the patches. Siouxsie And The Banshees. Blur. The Dresden Dolls. All gone, replaced by a plain black hoodie. I'm blending into the bar.

I sit there, staring into my drink, occasionally taking a sip. A loud noise to my left catches my attention. “It’s my birthday! Don’t you know? It’s my fucking birthday!” The man looks early-30’s, and is dressed like a smooth R&B singer. In all likelihood, he's a used car salesman or a banker. He chats up the bartender, an older woman with no time for his shenanigans. He’s looking for a free drink. It’s his birthday. He gets one.

I start texting. I lose track of the room. My drink is refilled. I’m looking for someone. Anyone. “I shouldn’t be alone tonight,” I thought. Some people are busy. Some just don’t respond. I just assume everyone’s watching American Idol. They pity me. I pity them. My drink is refilled.

The night becomes a blur of colors and shapes. I’m longing for the infinite. My mind wanders to dreams half-remembered. “Leave your towns. Leave your lives. I’m waiting.” I’m positive that I’m going crazy. Generally, I’m a mellow drunk. Tonight, I’m low. I’m feeding myself expectations. I’m looking for what isn’t there. I’m looking for you. I’m staring down at an empty glass. My drink is refilled.

I got home, but don’t remember how. I check out my phone this morning. I was texting the whole night. A lost evening. I open the fridge and grab the orange juice. I pull the vodka out of the freezer. My drink is refilled.


  1. im on the cranberry today. i cant wait to see you in a few weeks.

  2. definitely feel sorry for the idol watchers -- it's gonna be a rough year (i say that every year)

  3. Is it possible to feel the same way, except with lot's of people around me? Don't mind me, I'm a little off lately. I think it's this stupid weather change.

    If Runaway train didn't need to fly right back out today we would have totally taken a road trip to refill our drinks with yours last night!

  4. Yes, as bondon said we would have road tripped to drink with you and made you laugh for sure! If not there is always ice cream...we had Cold Stones last night not to be confused with DQ and we were much happier people for it ;-)!

  5. Alone is difficult. Sometimes it's perfect, other times it's perfectly hellish.
    Here's to perfectly something.

  6. I would totally be with you at the bar after American Idol!